Help for you Northern Taxidermists

Submitted by if you come down here on 1/14/01. ( )

>Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northern and Northeastern urbanites:
>1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
>2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will have to kick your ass.
>3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. It's called Coke. Nobody gives a rats ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it;
>doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
>4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We also are better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.
>5. We have plenty of business sense (Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape, Wal-Mart). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Gingrich). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state to run for the Senate. If someone tried
>to do that, we would kick their ass.
>6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
>carving, we'll kick your ass.
>7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
>8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.
>9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
>10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because many of us have visited Northern sewer holes like Detroit, Chicago, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Fly your ass on home before it gets kicked.
>11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Don't mention it again or we'll kick your ass.
>12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of our lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
>13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
>14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Philadelphia. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
>15. Last, but not least, do not dare to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your freshly kicked ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all and you're damn sure lucky we allow you to buy our barbecue. Criticize our barbecue, and
>you will go home in a pine box - minus your ass!

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You gotta be my brother-in-law

This response submitted by George on 1/14/01. ( )

Christoforo, Lavalee, did you get all of that? LOL


This response submitted by BUTTNUGGET on 1/14/01. ( )

They lost there a$$e$ there they sent them, to Washington, now I here they are in New York.

How big an old boy are ya?

This response submitted by Roy D Mercer on 1/15/01. ( )

I might just send my wife Ernestine.


This response submitted by Hybrid on 1/15/01. ( )


Fake Roy Mercer above!

This response submitted by The REAL Roy Mercer on 1/15/01. ( )

If you had a clue, but ye dont, MY WIFES NAME is SHARRRRON JEAN. Iam a spipdly type o fellow from Tulsa, Oakliehome (phonicly spelt fur you yankess so yea dont say it wrong.

I got a fifty five gallon drum a WHoop ARSE dont ya make me open it. Fifty million southerners cant be wrong, how come when them yankees retire they move south anyway? Love ya'll Roy D. Mercer ans Sharrron (phoicly sspelt fer ya) Jean

Yankess and the war

This response submitted by Patroit on 1/15/01. ( )

Well we kicked your butt before and now where just moving in. You thought you would kick our butt but guess who won. Gonna try it again. ROFLMAO

Cow Chip On His Shoulder

This response submitted by Yankee Gal on 1/15/01. ( )

Do you have any idea what the UNITED States of America stands for? We are supposed to all be on the same side! This countrys' diversity is what makes it so great. You need some anger management therapy.

This Northern Boy Loved the First Posting

This response submitted by Rob Patton on 1/15/01. ( )

Great posting! And so true.


This response submitted by Bruce Norton on 1/15/01. ( )

If a husband and wife get divorced in Arkansas, are they still brother and sister? LOL

Loved the first posting too!

This response submitted by Patrick Rummans on 1/15/01. ( )

Ya know, if you can't laugh at yourself (I'm a Yank) then you're probably not looking closely enough. Bravo to the good-natured humor of that first posting's Author...I haven't laughed so hard in a long time on the Forums! Even if he DID mean it in a mean-spirited way (and I don't believe he did) it's all about perception, and my take on the matter is laugh will you can, and mind your p's and q's in the South so you don't get your ass kicked! Hee Hee! Y'all take care!


This response submitted by Bill Yox on 1/15/01. ( )

Funny thing, where I come from, the culture is a bit different. When I head south, some expect me to literally trip over the mason dixon line, ya know? I really dont think about the war, but some do, the further (read "fatha") south you go. You know what? I find it fun. There are so many inflections and yes, even stereotypes out there. Westerners, upon finding that Im out hunting, and from NY, ask me if I know what a cow looks I also enjoyed the first post. Isnt it great to be able to celebrate, and laugh at, the differences between us? Especially the coke one, hahaha. Just to show you, Cracker Barrels are still not well known up here, and they dont serve mush, either...hahaha!

ON your next trip thru Dixie, count the Cracker Barrels

This response submitted by Red Neckerson on 1/15/01. ( )

or better yet count the signs, stop and eat at on! COunt the cars from the north!

Yes some still call them sister after the divorce. On the other hand rural Kansas is the most inbreed place I ever saw.

Wheer was the most western Battle of the War between the States?

B-B-Q is a noun down here, its not something you do, its something you eat.

In addition to the aboved named business, we have the largest EASTMAN CHEMICAL company location (eat you heart out Rochester NY) Ducks Unlimmtied located in the Midsouth.

We have scenic roads beyond the wildest dreams, where did Mark Martin learn to drive? Arkansas look where NASCAR HQ is. Our towns are very supportive of our local drivers, put anything but a 6 on your car here and they will kick your but all the way back home.

Scenis roads, clear water huge clear water impoundments, fresh clean air (NOT NEAR POULTRY HOUSES) and more fried chicken than a Southern Baptist preacher can eat in a month of Sundays.

How do we fix ham for breakfast we fry it, how about that Thanksgiving turkey, we fry it, it it ain't fried its B-B-Q or smoked.

Even the WATERFOWL are smarter then the average Yankee, the birds move south for the winter. We love ya'll just let the past be the past, it was not over *&^^#$%. any how.


This response submitted by JL on 1/15/01. ( )

Hey ROOF....did you ever see Christoforo refuse a free meal even if you threatened to kick his ass.Remember one thing ....the key to survival is adaptation...Christoforo and me have learned to adapt.

southern hospitality

This response submitted by Pa man on 1/15/01. ( )

Get alife man, there are the good,bad and ugly in ever state I would like to respond to word YANKEE,Some of you people are living in the past, i don,t hate germans because my grandfather fought them and ialso don,t hate the japanese because my uncle fought them,as long as you keep living in the past you will not be able to deal with the future.

That was a good posting

This response submitted by John Rocker on 1/15/01. ( (*) )

Very Funny (LMAOL)

Nascar HQ is in the South

This response submitted by marty shimkus on 1/15/01. ( )

and all you southerners are race car drivers because you get so much practice. Every house I pass down thar has at least 30 or 40 beaters decoratin thar front yards that Billy Bob has wrecked goofin in the back 40! Boy, as I'm trying to write in a southern dialect I just can't do it! Kinda like in "White Men Can't Jump" ha-ha! Good Post!

what ?

This response submitted by high country taxidermy on 1/15/01. ( )

I dont understand. What does this have to do with taxidermy ? Did i miss something somewhere ? If i did miss something , thats ok, i dont think i will lose any sleep south of the Red River.

hey yox

This response submitted by deer woman on 1/15/01. ( )

Be careful tripping over the mason dixon line, you might land in one of my traps, as I live just a tiny bit south of that line.Also watch out for the Confederate flag my neighbor flies, his pigeons fly all around and might poop on you.


This response submitted by Bill Yox on 1/15/01. ( )

Dang, Im a Northerner, sure, but I thought the original post was fun...are some of us really THAT frustrated? Deerwoman, sounds like Ill have no trouble with your traps, I think I read that they are getting well plugged up with coons and fox, right? Good for you. I miss trapping, and the south, too.

Gotta love the south.

This response submitted by Charles Gossett on 1/16/01. ( )

Commin frum Ky I gotta say thers nuttin better.
Horse racin, NASCAR, Moonshine, Bluegrass (Yes it is really blue),Country Music,Southern Hospitality, Southern woman,Coon Huntin,bass fishin,deer huntin,(Now Elk huntin),Banjo picken,and most off all people from the south are down to earth and have not forgotten thier roots..Thier in the celler..LOL


This response submitted by Leanna on 1/16/01. ( )

That was a refreshing kick in the ass! Too DO I get a Pepsi flavored Coke?!

RC cola and a MOON Pie

This response submitted by John C on 1/16/01. ( )

or some peanuts in the coke (yea Leanna its RC but its still Coke)

If you think the Goverment is not pro south just ask any soldier if he can have grits in the mess hall any morning, sure can and lot of em!

Let he whos never set a dollar south raise their hand? Everone has been to WAL-MART. Have a good un.

Ham Hocks . . .

This response submitted by CHUCK on 2/9/01. ( )

Blackeyed peas,grits,barbeque(Clarences in Guntersville ,Alabama has the best)Moon Pies and RC colas,Red diamond coffee. Yep,I love 'em all.
No this has nothing to do with taxidermy but who cares,it's a break we can all enjoy.See you all(Y'all) in Springfield.

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