Dear National Inquirer....

Submitted by Patrick Rummans on 5/25/01. ( )

I am the child of a Sasquach and a human being. I know this because at the age of 30 I began to grow hair in bizarre places, like my ears and one or two on my back and a long 6 inch one on my left nipple. This is not normal. Now that I'm 34 it's all I can do to keep up with the growth of the hair in my ears, nose and eyebrows. I also grunt and groan when I stand or sitdown, and have a strange urge to consume beer when it's hot outside. It's known that Sasquach are very fond of beer when it's hot out - that's how my Mamma got pregnant with me I'm guessin'. What with her drinkin' beer in the woods in the summer and all. It seems too that I am developing a gorilla like stomach, and my feet seem larger and flatter. If my daddy is any indication, I will be a full fledged Sasquach by my 42 birthday.
I am writing to you because I have seen others like myself in your magazine and thought you might pay me large sums of money to take my picture naked. Please respond ASAP because my speech seems to be degenerating as well, especially on hot days.


Patrick Rummans - Humansquach

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Dear Shooting Times

This response submitted by Curmudgeon on 5/25/01. ( )

The Editor,
Shooting Times Magazine


Recent rumours of sasquatch sightings have made me decide to mount an expedition in quest of one to complete my trophy collection of rare, endangered and threatened animals. My question deals with the proper choice of bullet for this beast. I have an excellent .338 Win Mag with which I have shot numerous African and Asian Game, including three Cape buffalo and I believe that it would be my weapon of choice for this effort. Sierra produces an excellent 250 grain boat tail spitzer with which I have taken several head of game at ranges up to six hundred yards. Thin skinned game, which I suppose the Sasquatch to be, shot with this bullet at close ranges however, have extensive hide damage and hamper the efforts of even the best taxidermists. I have used the 300 grain Barnes solid to take an elephant, and know it's performance, but would it impart sufficient shock to stop the quarry in its tracks if I were to be charged by a drunken sasquatch at short range? Perhaps the old 250 grain silvertip in a reduced load would suffice. Your consideration and immediate advice would be appreciated.


Curmudgeon the Elder,
Stalker of all things rare and exotic


This response submitted by (.) on 5/25/01. ( )

Only a big sissy would use a .338 win mag on a hairy little critter like a sasquatch! I use a baseball bat on those critters.Not the wooden baseball bats, i use the metal ones! I love the sound it makes when i wack them on the noggin. It has kinda neat"BOOOIIIINNNG"! sound when i get one. They're not good eatin.

Don't Hurt those Sasquatch!

This response submitted by ? on 5/25/01. ( Fuzzy Land )

How could you even contemplate collecting a sasquatch for the wall. They are animals also and certainly deserve to live a long and full life. I personally think we should set up a sasquats reserve. Maybe we should ship all the people from Vermont to Quebec and give the land to the Sasquatch Humans. There all the touchy feally people could migrate and see them in a preserve. Don't they at least deserve that treatment - after all they certainly are vegetarians, as all humans should be. Ick on eating meat.
Especially one names Ratrick.

Sasquatch Trophy......

This response submitted by Cur on 5/25/01. ( )

I though it would look great standin up tall and proud stuck right between my yeti and the pedestal mount Loch Ness Monster. Standin there staring blank eyed across the room at my biorama of recently extinct species. Any one wanna trade a Sumatran rhino for a Persian Leopard?

Dear Penthouse,

This response submitted by Mick on 5/25/01. ( )

You're probably not going to believe this, but I was off on a hike through the Montana backwoods, when I came upon this naked beer drinking Sasquatch.......

Dear Mick:

This response submitted by RickJ on 5/25/01. ( )

You are a little late on this one, friend. In the April 1999 issue we featured an exclusive containing Sasquatch and Bill Clinton. It was a very revealing article and one of the most erotic to date. Hillary even modeled in some of the scenes for us. We do, however, apologize for some of the novice style photography, as some of the photo shoots were taken from the back of the subject matter and it becomes difficult to differentiate between Sasquatch and Hillary's hairy backside at times. To date, we have remedied this problem and have trained the photo staff as to the methods of photographing group photos containing extremely ugly and hairy subjects, as well as animals. :) Thank you for your interest, Editor, Penthouse Magazine

Typical Symptoms of Mid-Life Crisis

This response submitted by George on 5/25/01. ( )

Such delirium is symptomatic of the confusion between misogyny and obsessive infatuation brought on by the iron in the blood undergoing alchemy and turning to lead in the ass. Patrick, get up and walk around a little. It'll all go away. That or either refill your Valium perscription.

I'm sorry, it's my fault.....

This response submitted by Lars on 5/25/01. ( )

It was 91 degrees here today and I had a case of beer in the shop....the key word is HAD. I'll make him go jump in the creek.

daddy speeks!

This response submitted by margo todd on 5/25/01. ( )


Your fascination with life-like things now dead goes back to your ancestry. My fodder was all 'squatch, I'm 1/2, you, the fruit of my loin, are only 1/4. But 1/4 of 100% of all 'squatches love little brown jobbers known as birdies. You, I believe are 100% of that 25% which sasquatches be fowl worshipper. The hirsute character you describe as you age is truly not normal, you are correct. I propose mega doses of stawberry leaf extract. The only side effect of which is, of course, lactation from the buccal sac.

yer dear ol' 1/2 hairy daddy.

And Patrick....

This response submitted by Leanna on 5/26/01. ( )

You said you wear THONGS?! I think I've seen you in our back 40!

Ooga Unh Unh!

This response submitted by paafjdoas on 5/26/01. ( laoawjdaf )

ooga ooga grunt snarl fpppppt!

Whats with. . .

This response submitted by CHUCK on 5/26/01. ( )

All you bird guys ?You think you're part Sasquatch,Savides is doing SOMETHING with his poodle , and Newmyer is well. . .been around the MEKP a little too long.

Now I Know...

This response submitted by why on 5/29/01. ( )

you shouldn't snort borax or DP....

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