Laff time, take a break....

Submitted by Curmudgeon on 5/10/01. ( )

Don't know about the rest of the group, but after some of these 100K threads and the slugging in the pits, here is something for you to relax with:


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. ThrowT-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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Thanks for the laugh

This response submitted by Leanna on 5/10/01. ( )

I say just open up a 12ga trap load, insert pill, put load in gun, and shoot cat.


This response submitted by Frank Kotula on 5/10/01. ( )

Your a women after my heart. I just love cats,the same why you do. LOL

I love cats like Leanna and Frank...

This response submitted by BobB on 5/10/01. ( )

But I am dying laughing right now, as for a week my wife, my teenage daughter and her cat, have been doing that same song and dance, except insert liquid medicine instead of pill.

We have gone through an extra bottle of resolve, just to clean that pink medicine out of the carpet. I don't honestly think the darn cat has gotten any of it. She still can't pee (LMAO).

Can't wait till they both get home tonight to read this. Neither one thought last week's prostitute story was funny. This they have to enjoy.


This response submitted by Bill Gaither on 5/10/01. ( )

Please send loading data for above: Will I have to reduce a standard charge to keep from completely penetrating the cat? Which shot cup do you use? Is there a filler required to protect the pill as it travels up the bore?

What cats love to eat

This response submitted by Eddie B. on 5/10/01. ( )

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too,"said the second.
"Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and
found a nice plat of newly plowed
ground that was just full of worms.
They ate and ate 'til they
could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can
fly back up into the tree," said
the first one. "Me either. Let's just
lay back here and bask in the warm
sun," said the second. "O.K.," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a
big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his
meal, he thought...

"I just love baskin' robins!"

One good thing about cats...

This response submitted by marty on 5/10/01. ( )

is they DO fit perfectly in those spring loaded skeet launchers!

I am speechless...

This response submitted by Lisa on 5/10/01. ( )

And what an accomplishment! Just ask my husband!This has been a nice shot in the arm(no pun intended).Humor IS the best medicine,Thank-you all.


This response submitted by CHUCK on 5/11/01. ( )

Place the pill in the end of a Remington copper solid slug(perfect fit)load into chamber.corral cat .aim .fire .cat gets his medicine ,no more problem.

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