Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer &
would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
& the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
When beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as "the Conservative movement".
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the
sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the trade union, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
Modern liberals like white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are
standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most
of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
Conservatives drink beer and whiskey and eat red meat & potatoes.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively
outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing, although some are decent fish taxidermists. They like to "govern" the producers
& decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get
MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history
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I definitely have to send this to my liberal, democratic sister in law. Good One!