You must be a Taxidermist if...

Submitted by Jeff Apple on 10/10/1998. ( )

OK, I know this is a professional forum and hopefully this is allowed.
As a professional, full-time taxidermist I feel we need to get away from the serious, technical side of our business every now and then. Giving ourselves a chance to relax and laugh at ourselves helps us be more creative with our art and gives us chance to sharpen our saws( if you know what I mean)Anyway I do not consider myself to be humorous
or funny but here is something to get the ball rolling.
"If your dog(or children ) have names such as Jonas, Bondo, Buckeye,
Mckenzie or Van Dyke you must be a taxidermist!"
OK now somebody send in a good one. Please keep them clean though.

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here goes

This response submitted by Bill on 10/10/1998. ( )

...Three blondes and a redhead were...oh sorry Jeff, you wanted clean? No, we decided a few topics ago that theres no room for goofin' around in THIS forum! Yeah, right. Bruce sends us jokes now and then, and me and Bob C. will go after John B. and not read the important info in his letters but other than that...(see deer heads-pedestal attachments, scroll down to see our finest exchange to date) so YES let's get some humor! My buddy is an amatuer comedian, as he puts it,( how can you be beginner funny?) and he told me that every day at eight-fifty his elbow would get sore. The pain was there, right at eight-fifty, you could set your clock by it. He figured it was tentonineus...(ten to nine us?...tentinitous?...ten minutes before nine?) Oh boy you guys are slow...

I Got One!

This response submitted by John Bellucci on 10/10/1998. ( )

This one is kind of timely. I got it from a buddy of mine who I'm sure got it from somebody... you know how it goes. This one is just on the edge of "clean". If not I'm sure it will "disappear". Mind you - I voted for the man both times and still vehemently support him! So here goes: "How did the president compare Jennifer Flowers to Monica Lewinsky?" --- "Close, but no cigar!"

now you did it

This response submitted by Bill on 10/10/1998. ( )

John, I put up with your %$#@! and go back and forth with you. I don't always agree with you, either. Now you tell me you voted for Clinton? Let me guess, he turned the country around for us, right? I never would have guessed you. Hey, we can't do this one on the forum. E-mail me and try to explain this one to me OK? liberal...Just e-mail me, I won't answer you on the forum about this, I'll talk about your safety issues or what the word tutelage means or something like that. I liked the joke, though.

Oh boy!

This response submitted by Jeff Apple on 10/11/1998. ( )

Hey Guys, I didn't mean to get you going at it again. I just thought a little humour (related to taxidermy in some way) might be fun . How about some stories about some taxidermy shop disasters. I know a taxidermist who completely sewed up a deer mount and then discovered he forgot to put earliners in it. And no it wasn't me!

I Might Be A Taxidermists if:

This response submitted by Rick on 10/11/1998. ( )

You might be a taxidermists if your hunting licenses cost more than your wedding did.
You might be a taxidermists if your wife calls out, hey hun, howd ya want this'n skin't?

Jeff, look what YOU started

This response submitted by bill on 10/11/1998. ( )

Jeff, don't worry about the last comments, we don't need anything like that for a trigger! Bondo fumes or the F word (formalin) set us off easy enough. A lot of my buddies lean a different way than me, politically, they'll come around some day, ha ha ha! Disasters? How about I win my award of excellence in mammals in maybe '89 with a red fox grooming itself. I believe I got beat by Terry Springer's otter for BofC. Roger Martin comes up to me and says, "your not gonna vote for Clinton, are you?"...I'M JUST KIDDING!!! He said, "I like your fox, did you realize that the earliners are in the wrong ears(backwards)?" He was right! No one saw it at that time, the judge, me, or anyone who complimented me on it! And they were definitely in backwards! For all you guys out there that think I have an ego problem, try admitting to that one sometime! I judged a show years ago, one of my first, and I walk up to a deer head to score and the ears are in upside down Man, thats gotta be hard to do! I looked around thinking I'm on the loosing end of a joke, I didn't know what to do! Turns out it was a ligit mistake from a very nice lady who i've gotten to know from that show who I haven't heard from in a while but of course will remain anonymous here. just a beginners error but one of those moments, to be sure.

You might be a taxidermist if...

This response submitted by Ken Edwards on 10/13/1998. ( )

You might be a taxidermist if you have more than three household appliances repaired with Sculpall.

I've Got Another :)

This response submitted by John Bellucci on 10/13/1998. ( )

Okay gang, this one comes out my local SCI chapter newsletter... Revenge of the Blondes A lawyer and a blonde moman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to N.Y. The lawyer leans over to her and asks her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it over to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn! She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress! Frustrated, he sends E-Mails to all his co-workers and friends! All to no avail!! After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks: "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer a $5 bill and goes back to sleep. Well gang, what do you think? This is good! Later. John.

You might me a taxidermist if.......

This response submitted by Jeff Apple on 10/13/1998. ( )

If your buddies no longer ask you to go fishing with them because they are sick of picking up driftwood and hauling it home for you chances are you might be a taxidermist.

How about a few more.

This response submitted by Paul Coenen on 10/13/1998. ( )

Clinton Humor

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the
stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Q : What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were
In a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of
the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense
Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition!
He told her to lie in THIS position....

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

enough Clinton already

This response submitted by the other Bill on 10/13/1998. ( )

Those were some good jokes. count dracula rents a castle in italy for a vacation. Every night he would find an italian girl, suck her blood and throw her body over the balcony and into the moat. Pretty soon he noticed that, not only wasn't he hearing a splash, he thought he heard singing! So next time he watched carefully as his victimwent over the balcony.Before it hit the water, up jumped an alligator who caught the body before it hit the water and the count could hear it sing"drained wops keep falling on my head"...I really do like this idea, Jeff this was a good suggestion but most of the good jokes I know aren't appropriate for 'everyone'...oh but they ARE funny.

One More for Clinton.

This response submitted by Rick on 10/13/1998. ( )

Clinton and Hillary were sleeping one night when Hillary woke up very thirsty. She rolled over and woke Bill up and told him she needed to go get a glass of water. Bill scolded, WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP FOR? Hillary said "I want you to save my place".
And Ken, I I liked the sculp-All. I'll have to try it.

A few of my own to contribute

This response submitted by deer woman on 10/14/1998. ( )

You know you are a taxidermist if..... YOU HAVENT SEEN "TITANIC" ( doesn't apply to me though- i'm a lady remember- we all went nuts over that movie) Heres one i heard about Clinton: Reagan, Clinton, Nixon, and Carter were on the Titanic Ok- the iceberg hits and all that stuff and Reagan tries to take charge, Carter desperatly wants to load the lifeboats with women and children, and Nixon says "Screw the women and children!" Clinton asks" do we have time?" When was the last time anyone defrosted thier freezers? Do you know that an iceberg might be lurking in one of your freezers? (Hey everyone i just put a model Titanic in my freezer!) Don't get stupid and let your busness sink! You need all the freezer room you can get!!!!! ok- that was just me letting off steam...- oops a Titanic pun! Course none of you guys know what i'm talkin about since taxidermy guys didn't see the movie! Nor do you ever have time to read Titanic books( if you ever need to, my mother and i have assembled a fine library of them)! IS THIS A SINKING SUBJECT OR WHAT?????? sincerely, someone obsessed with 2 "T"s

Riddle for all

This response submitted by Paul Coenen on 10/14/1998. ( )

Here's a riddle for you..

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.

Clinton uses his all the time.

What is it?
(A last name!)

You might be a taxidermist if............

This response submitted by Bob Coughlin on 10/14/1998. ( )

Boy do I have a good one because I just did it. If you cant read the letters on your keyboard because of the bondo fingerprints....... you might be a taxidermist. Bob C.

Its Gotten Too Long!

This response submitted by Bruce Rittel on 10/18/1998. ( )

My printer is running out of paper! Stop! Start a new question. Congradulations Jeff Apple - I really enjoy good jokes. My thanks for creating this - however, submit another question so the column isnt so long. Truthfully, the input keeps coming, and to print it all out is becoming time consuming. Keep 'em coming though!!! Obviously I'm not the only Joke starved Taxidermist! Any good "Taxidermist" or "Tanner" jokes?

Deer Scraps

This response submitted by Sonny on 12/10/1998. ( )

You know your feeding your kids to much deer when a passing car backfires and the kids run and hide in a thicket for an hour.

More ?

This response submitted by Hank Lampe on 12/15/1998. ( )

A traveling kid from Ohio walks into a bar in paw paw, west virginia
and orders a beer. While the bartender is poping the top he ask the
kid what he does for a living. The kid replies "I'm a taxidermist"
and the bartender ask what in the world is a taxidermist. The kid just
says "I mount dead animals" at which point the bartender hollers out
"It's OK Boys, He's One Of Us!" Sorry guy's from West By God, it had
to be somewhere. That's the way I heard the joke.

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